i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
