im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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