my phone needs a breathalizer
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
