life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
