I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
