nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
