The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
