So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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