Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
