paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
