ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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