I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
