every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
