today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
