I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
