NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
