Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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