Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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