apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
