Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
