Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
