Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
