Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
