seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
