I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
