The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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