My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
