Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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