i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
