Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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