Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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