I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
MIDGETS
????
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
