Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
