Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
