I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
