I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's shark week go big or go home
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
