i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
