I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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