If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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