well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
