I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
