How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
