So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
