He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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