A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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