He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
