There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
