I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
