someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
