Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
