So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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