Fine. I'll sleep in my office
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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