im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't EVER smell your tampon
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
