He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
