He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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