I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
