Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
