Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
