i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
