Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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