Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
